he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
