fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Randomize
