shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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