There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
