do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize