I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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