Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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