The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
