and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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