so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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