im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Randomize
