On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
