Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Randomize
