the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
