trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
