i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
