I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
