Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
