Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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