i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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