Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
