Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Randomize
