I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
