listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
