I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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