she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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