Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
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