You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
