i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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