I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
