Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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