I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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