My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
