you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
