Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
