I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
