I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
