I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize