I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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