your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I feel like a drive thru vagina
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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