it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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