tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
