Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
