u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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