"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
