U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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