i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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