i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
