Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
