Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
