He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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