We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
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