What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
ttyl tear gas
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
