I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
