My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
