member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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