One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
He passed out mid-signature
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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