I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
