he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
