absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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