the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
